This week author Mary Marvella, joins us with her tip. Mary has been a storyteller for as long as she can
remember. Her M.Ed in Counseling serves as she tutors, teaches writers,
and edits.
Mary’s
Tip to Make Your Writing Sparkle
As a
writer and editor I see a lot of places writers can and should improve their
manuscripts. I won't bore you with one of my LONG lectures, but I will list 5
things a writer can do to make his or her writing sparkle!
1. We need
to avoid vague or ambiguous pronouns.
Sally and Elaine are good friends
because she is always there when she needs her.
Who is there when who needs whom?
Better: Sally and Elaine are good friends because
Elaine is always there when she
needs her.
Even better: Sally and Elaine are good
friends because Elaine is always there when
Sally needs her.
2. Showing instead of telling involves readers.
He had never been so angry. Telling.
Better: For the first time in his life
he wanted punch a hole in the wall. Showing
Better: He grabbed the phone and threw
it against the wall. Showing
Better: He fisted his hands with the
need to smash someone.
Better: His anger rose like bile into
his throat.
3. Making "was" the verb of choice
makes writing dull. Use it but replace it when you can with an action verb.
Sam was
cold though the sun was shinning. Telling with was and no action
Better: Sam shivered. He needed more
than the sun to warm him. Showing.
Better: Pulling his coat tighter, Sam
looked up at the bright sun. Showing
4.
Using passive voice a lot takes away from the action.
She was
chosen to be the CEO. Passive voice.
The subject received the action.
The board chose her to be CEO. Active
voice. The subject caused the action
Jack was fired for eating at work. Passive
Voice. The subject received the action.
Jack's boss fired him for eating at work.
Active voice. The subject
caused the action.
Edward was hit be a sucker punch.
Passive voice. The subject
received the action.
Edward didn't see the punch before it hit
him. Active voice. The subject acted.
Craig hit Edward with a sucker punch. Even stronger. Active voice. The
subject caused the action.
5. Use a variety of verbs that don't need
adverbs. I don't hate adverbs, but sometimes stronger verbs don't need them.
Sarah walked slowly across the room.
Sarah strolled across the room.
Sarah entered the room. (YERK, did she
fly?)
If a
character strides or races or stalks or waltzes into a room, I know whether to
smile or want to hide.
Blurb for Protecting
Melissa Book 2 of the Protection Series
Melissa
sees herself as a woman well-rid of a jerk, rather than as a widow. Since she
learned the distressing news that her philandering husband swindled her
neighbors and friends before an irate husband killed him in bed with his wife,
she figures nothing can shock her. Right! She wants a quiet world, a safe world
where she can teach and never think about the problems her husband caused.
Gabe has a lot to make up for, since he
left his son and wife stateside while he served as a career Marine. In his defense,
she had insisted she wanted to stay near her parents instead of traveling all
over the world. Time and distance worked
their magic, and he and his wife drifted apart, just as he and his son did. The
years he nursed her and tried to be a better father weren't enough to make up
for not being there for her when she learned she had cancer.
Of all the things Melissa would have
expected, seeing her old crush standing in her classroom door hadn't made the
list. Having him hang around and flirt outrageously would have been wonderful
when she trailed around him and her brother.
Now it didn't make her happy.
Gabe's need to protect his best friend's
baby sister kicks in when they leave a
high school basketball game to find someone has slashed the tires on her
vintage Mustang. Emails sending photos
of her nude or looking way too sexy scare her so much he knows he can't leave
her until he finds who is responsible and who wants to harm her.
EXCERPT from Protecting Melissa Book 2 of the
Protection Series:
Melissa
almost didn’t go to the basketball game. Gabe would be there. He always
attended the games, even for sports Jay didn't play. But she loved basketball
and she liked to cheer her students.
Everyone
laughed and talked. Students called out to her, some of the younger ones waved
and giggled. She had a good time, too, until she felt Gabe staring at her from
the floor. Then he actually climbed up to sit beside her.
Gabe
was the kind of man who had a way of taking up more space than his size
required. He used his knees and elbows and energy to crowd people, her in
particular.
“Ref,
are you blind?” he yelled. “He was charging and you know it.”
The
cheerleaders, in good form, bounced on their sneaker toes and jumped as usual,
waving their arms in the air, all youthful animation. For a moment their
yelling combined with the crowd noise, reaching a dizzying pitch. Melissa shook
her head to dispel the fog surrounding her brain. She watched one of her
students on the team miss a free throw.
A chill
ran down her spine. In the midst of people she’d known all her life she felt
uneasy. Fear pressed her chest. Menace. She felt menace. Everyone appeared to
be watching the action on the court, not her. But she retreated into herself
until she felt an elbow hit her side.
“Did
you see that basket?” Gabe’s enthusiasm seeped through her fear. “Thirty-nine
to thirty-nine. God, what a game,” he yelled as the half-time buzzer sent both
teams to the locker rooms. “You okay?”
He
grasped her shoulders, turning her body toward his.
“Huh?
Sure. The noise was giving me a headache. I could use an aspirin.”
“I’ll
go get you something to drink. Be right back.”
“Yeah,
you do that.” Melissa smiled her most insincere smile. As much as she didn’t
want the pest near her, she felt some safe in his presence.
The
line to the Ladies room would be long and this was one place she couldn’t, or
wouldn’t, use her position as a teacher to break in line. Halfway through the
third quarter should be better timing for a restroom trek with no wait.
She
sensed Gabe was back before she saw him. His energy seemed to stir the air.
“Thought you might be hungry. You’re looking too skinny. Gotta eat more.”
The hot
dog Gabe waved under her nose turned her stomach queasy.
“No
onions and lots of mustard,” he said.
His
grin was so boyishly proud she couldn’t turn away his attempt to be nice,
especially after the candy bar she hadn’t planned to eat but had enjoyed
immensely.
“Thanks.”
She forced a grin as she took the large Coke cup. He placed two aspirin in her
hand and watched until she swallowed them. “Where did you get the drugs?”
He
smiled. “I have my sources.”
Her
body relaxed when the overwhelming feeling of menace faded. She still had
trouble swallowing even small bites of the hot dog he'd so carefully prepared
for her. Surely every eye in the place was trained on the two of them.
She
glanced around. Jay stared down from the top bleacher at Gabe and her as though
they had grown horns. She made a point of leaning away from Gabe, even when he
seemed determined to stay close to her. Maybe he thought she would break and
tell Jay’s secret. He must enjoy
tormenting her. She was going to kill Jay for not telling his dad the truth on
his own.
Once
third quarter was underway Melissa slipped out to the restroom. Strange, the
hall to the restrooms was empty and too quiet. At least it wasn’t dark. Surely
she wasn’t the only female who had waited for the line to shorten. Like a kid
afraid of the dark, she eased the heavy door open.
No
giggles or girlish voices. No water running or flushing sounds. Damn. She
really had to go and unfounded fear made her need worse!
“No
more wasting time.” Her voice echoed loudly in the empty room. She dashed into
a stall. Why did I have to drink so much
of the Coke Gabe bought? What does it matter?
She was
a grown woman, not a kid. What could
happen in a building full of people? Loud, cheering people who wouldn’t hear a
woman scream down here. Silly. Just
finish and leave.
The
outside door opened but no footsteps sounded. Tennis shoes, probably. She was
no longer alone. She waited. No one ran water or opened a stall door. Then the
heavy door opened and closed again. Sweating profusely, Melissa gathered the
courage to push the stall door open.
On the
mirror the word ’bitch!’ jumped at her like a punch in the gut. The word hadn't
been there when she walked in. She wasn’t sure how she made her way to the
safety of numbers. Back in her seat, she breathed a sigh of relief. She didn’t
pull away this time when Gabe took her hand. She was thankful for his warmth
and strength.
The
rest of the game passed in a blur. Searching her brain revealed no suspect for
the mirror writing. She could think of no one who would hate her that much.
Surely the message had been for someone else or just a sick prank. Worse
messages had appeared on her chalkboard over the years. Some were much more
specific and graphic, but she hadn’t panicked.
When the
last buzzer signaled the end of the game she looked to the scoreboard and read
– Home 89, Visitors 80.
“Great
game,” Gabe draped an arm around her shoulders and squeezed.
“Yeah.”
The scoreboard said it was. She remembered little of it. Maybe she was coming
down with something.
People
jostled each other and made good-natured comments as the crowd made its way
from the gym, but she hardly noticed anyone. A knot had lodged itself in her
stomach again.
“Lissie,
walk me to my car?” Gabe’s voice was so welcome she almost hugged him. “Then
I’ll walk you to yours. Come on, it’s been a long day.”
She
didn't have the heart to put on a brave front. She was tired of fussing. for
now. Later she could push him away. For now, she let him hold her hand. She needed his warmth and bulk beside her.
The
night air was cool and crisp, the spring sky clear and filled with stars. A
crowd had gathered around her red vintage Mustang.
“Look.”
She rushed away from him toward her car.
“Ms.
Anderson,” a voice called out. “um, we didn’t see who did this, honest. But
we’ll help you…”
Like
the Red Sea, the crowd parted to expose her car. Both tires on the driver’s
side were flat. Flat and ragged.
Sounds
bubbled up in her throat, hurting as they forced their way to the outside.
Silence hovered over the crowd, pressing in on Melissa when her whimpers gave
way to groans. Fear became anger.
“They
ruined my hub caps, Gabe. They’re bent and scratched. I scoured junk yards and
mail order catalogs for those. Dammit!”
“Don’t
touch anything,” the rotund security guard called as he hurried from his post.
“I called the police and a tow truck.” He ran a beefy hand through his thinning
hair. “They’re on their way, Ms. Anderson.”
“A tow
truck?” Melissa asked. “Why? We’ll change the tires. I have spares in my trunk.
Tell them, Gabe. I can change…” Then it hit her. “The police? Maybe I ran over
something on the way over here.”
“All
four tires?” asked the security guard as the wail of a siren pierced the air.
“They’re all flat, Ma’am.”
Buy
Links:
http://www.amazon.com/Protecting-Melissa-Protection-Romances-MARVELLA-ebook/dp/B0173R0AQQ/
You can find Mary at:
Follow Mary Marvella on Twitter @mmarvellab
Thanks Mary, for dropping by and
sharing that great writing tip.
Don’t forget to check back next week
for another author’s tip or tweak.
My favorite secondary character and one
that surprised me is Lillian Abernathy in A
Cruise to Remember. She’s in her sixties and meets the heroine in the hospital
emergency. She’s a wealthy widow diagnosed with early Alzheimer’s. I had her
helping the heroine in the emergency because of her amnesia and no money. She
paid the bills and took her home. But then she asked her to be a companion on a
cruise she wanted to take. Suddenly Lillian becomes a major part of the story. And
I’ve fallen in love with her and she’s back in the second book in the series, A Murder to Forget.
